HEY I SHIFTED TO LIVEJOURNAL! :)
http://www.livejournal.com/users/thelastvestiges/
Please tag over there (the comments function is all very exciting and novel to me!). Thank you. This blog is still functional, but the change is refreshing.
feeling the tide carry us back out to the deep simplicity
[chasing that heartbeat]
I think I've contracted mid-blog crisis, which implies that this blog has a definite and determined death (whether pre or not is up to you) awaiting it. I'm not sure. The terms is merely common, understandable and convenient. I reckon there comes a time in every blogger's blogging life (ok I am no veteran but still), during which they think to themselves, "Why am I doing this, when most of my readers are faceless?"
I have no clue, to be honest. But oh what's the harm of rendering a guess. Perhaps it's in the false anonymity of a blog - hoping that one day someone will recognise you not for who you are but what you have written. Or perhaps it's because we are all narcissistic, an atavistic territorial instinct of sorts - we carve out a little niche of virtual space. Oh but that connotes you being a needy person. I would pick boredom if I were you.
There is a reason in all we do, isn't there?
Anyway, exams are in one week's time, and as usual, I haven't started. Going to descend into a mad rush some few days before the exams, but for now, I have too many things going on and too much work to accomplish. It is all getting very pedantic and very annoying. I have to keep up to expectations, there is pressure from the Powers to Be to maintain my grades and pressure from my fellow schoolmates to keep scoring. The stress is really getting to me, but I am going to skip past this with a grim look on my face because if it turns into existential angst I don't think I can face myself any longer.
For now, I shall calm myself down and convince myself that I can pull it off again. That I can pull through one more time. Study little and score much more. Cram and yet learn for life. After all, I really don't see the harm for one more miracle, it's been going on for years now, since I stepped into the world of a secondary school student, it's been a realm to conquer. It's been a time of unexpected surprises and pleasant ones at that. So, one more miracle! Onward with things, then.
And yet, a still wise voice tells me: still your ravenous mind, for your time is but fleeting, and your present flees before you yet. Aye.
on the otherside of the handrail:
[the hallway's gray marble floor looks like we just climbed up a stairway through the clouds]
The old auntie speaking quiet, stilted mandarin in her frumpy white apron takes plain old rice, chilli, onion, slices of equally old ginger, sugar, salt, black sauce, fish, and makes it something magical. These Discovery channel types start with magical ingredients and, and finish with a product that seems entirely too commonplace.
Isn't life that too? Outcomes are not based on what we possess, but the spirit and intention with which we approach our task at hand.
... Going to do work again! Sigh. Whoops. Yay. :P
i'm so far down
[away from the sun that shines to light the way for me]
I miss my life. I miss myself. I miss her. I miss him. I miss sleeping. I miss eating properly.
Wait. I miss sleep the most. I have slept a few hours each day this week. Like yesterday, I slept for an hour and plodded to school this morning. Just got back at 2pm. Brilliant. Was so exhausted, but my fatigue is muted, I don’t show it. I smile, even though the nightmare from my previous sleepless nights haunts me along with Ennui's curt invitations. I don’t cringe when I meet up with absurd cheerfulness, I don’t adopt any other persona besides my usual self, pleasantly happy countenance and all.
I used to read so much just one month ago. Unfortunately, ever since that traumatic incident, I seem to be haunted by it day and night, night and day, and when I feel a bit of wanderlust and pick up a book to escape into somewhere new, I find myself quite, quite trapped. I’ve slept so little this week my eyelids grow heavy and my brain starts to creak. Before i know it, I’m up and ready (eh) for a new day. I still read, but not as much, and I feel like degeneration is setting in. Time to get back onto my feet.
Maybe it’s just the atmosphere lately that has been too stifling. I can’t block out anything. I can’t forget, let go. Drift away. Drift apart. I've been wayward, to some extent, all my life, and I feel the weight of God's moulding and pruning, His holy hands battering me into shape. It hurts in a throbbing, swirling, confusing way. I find comfort in the psalmists' cries. O Lord lift me out of the mud and mire, and give me a firm place to stand!
Dedication Service yesterday was such a success. Thank you to Angie and Jeanette, Sarah Soon, Sarah Tan, Sumae, Rachael, I can’t remember who else (sorry) but all of you were great. Thank you Ms Chia and Ms Ng for being so encouraging before and after I shared my testimony. I don’t know why, but people have a tendency to laugh at my mannerisms whenever I speak. It’s called ENGAGING the audience in my opinion, but then again, I could have amusing gestures or facial expressions. Nonetheless, was very heartened when a girl approached me to thank me for my testimony and told me how it uplifted her. Sometimes, we really don’t know how our words will impact others…
Oh and yesterday, the message Ms Chia shared was too true for words. It affected me so profoundly, in a good way of course. Life is indeed not a pursuit of endless thrills, because at the end of the day if you have to keep setting challenges for yourself, even if you achieve all of them, you can’t help feeling a little empty. You’re scared to lose initially, and then you’re afraid to win – because such trivial things, such short spans of time, could determine your self-worth and value. Whatever happened to the promise that lies waiting for us in eternity? It is also very true that the right thing is never cool, but yet you still should do it. I think what Ms Chia told me today when we met up was very true as well: it’s not that good people can’t go to heaven without Jesus, it’s that it’s impossible for someone to be good consistently without Jesus (even though they are good 70% of the time), hence God sent Him down to guide us and lead us to our rightful home. I was very moved by the story from Chariots of Fire. Everything for His glory, fear no persecution. Fight the good fight, run the good race, with God. We fifteen or sixteen year olds are all in the first… what? 5 metres of our journey in life, what’s important is we run the rest of the way with God, use His gifts well, make sure our lives reflect what we live for.
maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream
[no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep]
I am taking charge of my inner life. I am realising things – life is not about what happens at the pinnacle, not about the flurry or europhia from being on the mountaintop. Instead, it’s about enduring the moments when we have yet to touch top-notch soil. Scaling the heights, traversing the plateaus, enduring the valleys of fear, the jungles of doubt, the deserts of truths. Most importantly, however, if not that we will eventually get there, but that we have a Map. A Map. We can choose if we want to get there eventually, but at least we have a Map – we know that even if the whole world turns against us, we have one Rock of Ages to fall back on, better than any Everest of the world.
Billy Joel – River Of Dreams (don’t really like Billy Joel that much, but oh well, catchy tune, cool lyrics…):
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To the river so deep
I must be looking for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it’s too hard to cross
And even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I’ve been looking for
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
I’m a searcher for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I’d never lose
Something somebody stole
I don’t know why I go walking at night
But now I’m tired and I don’t wanna walk anymore
Hope it doesn’t take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I’ve been looking for
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep
I know I’m searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night
I’m not sure about a life after this
God knows I’ve never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is running to the promised land
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Though the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We’re all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night
Oh well, I still haven’t found what I’ve been searching for… For now, I take comfort in “that world which doesn’t exist”. Watching shows can be cathartic – I guess it's the sense of optimism, no matter how fleeting, that comes with watching how things work out somehow for the characters on screen, that gives me the hope and determination to continue living. The twists of fate, the last-minute miracles, the jubilation at the doors of operating theatres, the palpable relief that rips out your heart out, the breaking down, the desperation that one gets over… It's happened numerous times. When the credits roll, I just feel a sense of optimism. A sense of hope. A sense of peace.
:)
if you don't mind believing that it changes everything
[sunny days]
I’m actually terribly busy this holidays, but it’s the mode and form of it being a holiday (much akin to that mindset of suffering eh) that makes me feel like blogging. Impetus from impression this has to be called. I’m supposed to be free, supposed to have no homework, supposed to be able to write, read, experiment! So I guess I’m indulging in my expectations of a holiday rather than reflecting its reality. In school almost everyday of the week, how terribly pedantic. But I suppose my sleeping hours are a lot more flexible now, though I’m still deprived and festering in the cesspool of self-hate. I keep hoping I can clear my truckloads of work in a burst of industry, but am too tired and too packed (is this a sign that I am in demand or just too obliging for my good?) to actually muster enough strength, and courage, to do it. Fragments of ancient queen and america songs float in my head. Can’t get them out of my head because the burette clip that holds them in is tight and obstinate, rusty and immobile. I’ve ended up partitioning my life. The second an event or a meeting ends, I find the other segments of my life disappear into my consciousness as I make my way to wherever it is I can find my sanity again. “I imagine what my body would sound like falling against those rocks / And when I land will my eyes be closed or open?" - bjork hyperballad. It has taken me really long to realise that this song is just so cool! :)
Also, this afternoon saw an unexpected call from the person I think of irrationally all the time. I felt obliged to listen to X (let’s call the person that), all the while trying to pick up the thoughts that cycle and run through. Regret, oh regret. It’s a word I should shun. I felt really sorry for all the uncertainty she had to endure for me, really bad for all my distrust in the human race, my misantrophic nature. I’ve always taken comfort in distance, aloof adults, because in this way, I could still feel a special connection without having to reciprocate openly or develop unhealthy emotional crutches. I guess it was the same in this case, it was always the “further, further…” breathing, heavy like the haze from bushfires, suspended like misty breaths that cling to the shattered glass shards of awkward (and perhaps not-to-be) closeness. All through my Sec 3 year! And look what has transpired – we have become so close in the end, soul speakers. Now “if only, if only…” breathes down my neck. If only I had bothered more when you were around, then it wouldn’t have been so difficult to bother now when you’re so far away. Sometimes I really wonder if it’s because you’re not in my hemisphere that I can relate so well to you now, and feel less inhibitions. I’ve always been a very conservative person, I know occasion and propriety when it comes to the interpersonal epicentre. Xin fu che zhan yao liang ge ren cai neng dao da! I must bear that in mind.
And that leads us to a more philosophical, less emotive, chug-a-chug train of thought about social boundaries.
Ah, and ~wanderer, here’s another entry. Holidays lar. Was your tag meant to be sarcastic though? My insecure inferiority complex asks. Don’t answer! My defensive side quips. Of course it wasn’t meant to be sarcastic! My healthy self esteem reassures. I see I am schizo! Woohoo.
you plead to everyone
[see the art in me]
Ok. Well yesterday was the Tribune outing. Now that might sound perfectly innocuous to you, but to me, it was to be an ominous day. Kept having thoughts of everything going wrong the day before, kept worrying about whether or not I would get stressed over the nitty gritty, lose my cool, burst into a frenzy, and collapse to the ground in annoyed paroxysms. So many events have happened recently, it's like a whirl. I don't think I can ever grip on tight enough, and I suspect that maybe I am reading too much into everything - but well, let's not go there. Anyway, I loved the outing yesterday. Bonding was superb. Planning was 90% perfect, an entire notch above last year's. Would like to thank Mary for being such a magnificent welfare head and organising this with such alacrity, Guojun for the innovative and interactive games (and for lapsing into a state of relaxation before planning it, frame of mind is always so important), and everyone else who brought food, fruit, frivolous comfort-type goodies, and packet drinks. Would also like to thank the special someone that encouraged me all the way, much appreciated. I survived the hurly burly! The movie was also considerably enjoyable, easy to follow. Goes to show that life may seem like a series of unfortunate events (coincidentally the movie we watched!), but it might just be the start of a proverbial journey of discovery. :) Oh and I love the baby Sunny, I was head over heels, utterly smitten, when she said "What a Schmuck!" in ga-ga language. She is my kind of baby - precocious, acerbic, endearing. Imaginative, intelligent, rough around the edges but filled with the tenderness of youthful exuberance. Irrational but captivating. Enigmatic. I wish I was still like that, but now, I am just intense, and not even in a sure-footed way.
However, about yesterday, I would really like to apologise to Jingyi. Sorry for not waiting long enough, sorry for not going to find you, sorry for everything. I promise next time will be better, I will be more accountable, I will try harder. Please do not feel discouraged nor disheartened!
Ok this might seem like one of the more meaningless entries... but it actually means a lot to me, to affirm others and to search for this dimension of closure. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed something like this, I've always dreaded bonding sessions because I feel that they are unnatural and forced. I guess my point of view still remains consistent, but I am slowly conceding there are exceptions. Images on the sidewalk speak of dream's descent, washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament...
Then again, the relief was unbearable. I felt I was falling. I am still falling now. Perhaps that is why I treat mirrors with such sacred reverance. I don't look at them often for fear of self-abnegation setting in, but at the same time, I appreciate the sacrosanct nature of gazing at your reflection. (Here is the cue for you to go "she's the mayor of crazytown"!) I hardly think it's because of vanity that people make mirror trips, because sometimes, looking at yourself in the mirror reminds you of who you are. We all need reminders that we are ourselves and not someone else, if not, we might just begin to lose our sense of self. Why am I rambling? Because this is just like how I look at you and see myself. In the thirty seconds before you arrive I think I will be sick all over myself with nerves. Perhaps when your face changes three times over, I will finally be able to put down all the emotional baggage.
Well, that's all I have to say for now. Toodles! Cheer up Mary! ;)
if i had a magic wand of my own
[i would wave it over me, and over you, and over all this crazy world and make it right!]
I need to go for a jog. That long-lost drive and motivation in me was unbelievable; now it takes one whole evening of inner persuasion before I actually decide to go for a run. Last night, the air was slightly chilly as the moon hung high and I begun my lone crusade. The black blanket was illuminated by my tenacity. The legs took charge and the wind was the only compass of my direction; I needed to find the legendary full moon. Lots of emotional tension yesterday needed to be released! I trudged on, the night breeze whipping my rosy cheeks, the stickiness of the chinese new year daytime heat ebbing away. I expected to see nothing, and expected to end off my run on a lonesome and rewarding note as usual. Darkness gave way to a soft glow as I chanced upon a bunch of children playing with lanterns. The immediate thought that flashed across my mind was "No no, not time for mooncake festival yet! Surely I cannot be stuck in a time complex." I sat down with them, imagining the sparkling streaks dancing around within the lantern, and they smiled happily at me and passed me a lantern. It was a very aesthetically unappealing lantern but it made me grin sheepishly. None the less, I had to leave almost half an hour later (for fear of my mom developing paroxysms of anger!), but I left feeling happier than I have in days. I didn't find any mythical orb, but I found a smile splashed with sincerity across my cheeks. I found an inner glow that could meld a thousand lonely hearts into a shared pot of revelry. Those dancing candle-lit flames etched into my memory - nothing eternal. Once suffice - fleeting but memorable.
And this morning, yet again, I am feeling like quite the fool. But I shall cling on to the night before, and try not to get burnt by my onslaught of thoughts.
love is patient, love is kind
[happy vee day!]
From "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis:
One moment last night can be describe in similes; otherwise it won't go into language at all. Imagine a man in total darkness. He thinks he is in a cellar or dungeon. Then there comes a sound. He thinks it might be a sound from far off - waves or wind-blown trees or cattle half a mile away. And if so, it proves he's not in a cellar, but free, in the open air. Or it may be a much smaller sound close at hand - a chuckle of laughter. And if so, there is a friend just beside him in the dark. Either way, a good, good sound. I'm not mad enough to take such an experience as evidence for anything. It is simply the leaping into imaginative activity of an idea which I would always have theoretically admitted - the idea that I, or any mortal at any time, may be utterly mistaken as to the situation as he is in.
This reminded me of my own dark moments, when the minutes seemed like hours, and the hours seemed interminable before I finally lost consciousness and sunk into troubled sleep. These moments have also been tinged with confusion - a conglomeration of hysteria and indescribable sadness. Silent moments. Far too quiet on the outside, almost tranquil, but the inner life filled with emotional pandemonium. Grief is always eloquent, however.
Thank you all for clogging up my inbox, for all the presents, and for all the cards. :) And of course for all the love everyone has injected into my life! The effort is definitely appreciated. Longer update later, am very busy as usual.
<3
i could stay awake just to hear you breathing
[watch you smile while you are sleeping]
2004 has passed on - time for fresh beginnings, treasured memories, and attempts to dispose of emotional dross accumulated over the course of last year. 2004 has died, you could say, in terms of chronological connotations - it still lives in me though - the people I got to know, how I've become dependent on them even though I steeled myself against ever being a needy or clingy person, the obstacles I triumphed with God's help, the grudges I harboured, the lessons learnt, the tears and the ungainly ego-tripping. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock, not let go of 2004; it's been such a year - but on hearing the eulogies uttered to formally welcome 2005, I realized that 2004 never did hold me back from moving me on, and so much of the love from that year still hangs about me now, and it is definitely enough to tide me through this change. If 2004 hadn't passed on, brought new hope, released this cloudburst of love, I would still be looking back and not looking foward to making 2005 mean something - in a way, it spurs me on to "hold infinity in the palm of (my) hand and eternity in an hour". :)
why don't you slide
[i want to wake up where you are]
I feel the tension of yesteryears on me again. I feel the clenching of fists, I feel that heavy cloud that is crashing down on my shoulders, like the aura of a prisoner. I never want to be at the mercy of such an unpredictable and powerful emotion again.
I read that people often use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing is the healthiest, apparently, not in an aggressive, but in an assertive manner. Hard to draw the line there, it's like how observing and judging are splitting hairs - being assertive does not necessarily rule out being aggressive, at least I don't think they are mutually exclusive. Fine, but I guess it means to be respectful to the Self and the Other. Anger can also be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. I'm likely to implode if I continue to do this.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior, perpetual cynicism, and hateful behaviour. Oh happy happy joy joy
I want to be able to find pleasure in the simplest things - like what wanling says about the birds eating clouds, and how clouds must taste like cotton candy, etc. I want to be able to feel that light-headedness, feel the warmth of my red cheeks, like blush untidily applied by a five year old - I need to run away, run away, run away - to find perfection in this mess. And... I miss you, you would keep me sane in a situation like this.
evenin's empire has returned into sand
[left me blindly here to stand]
Have been really busy, hence neglected updating this blog except for posting snippets of emotion I managed to capture in my flashes of respite. Anyway, Sec One Orientation looms ahead, stress.
Woke up at four am today, I like dark, quiet mornings. Everything is waiting to come alive. It spells renewal - the rising of the sun and the sky stripping itself of darkness. It is Christmas Eve today, and thank God it's friday. Today is the first day of this holidays I have actually felt at peace with the mandatory logistics and planning ahead, or rather, the execution of such tedium.
Decembers, to me, have always been interesting, a time to stop panting, start resting. This year, however, it felt like a mad rush, a breathless dream, and now it's already Christmas.
Happy Birthday to my Saviour, Redeemer, Friend!
Anyway, I've been listening to Bob Dylan recently. I renewed my love for his "Mr Tambourine Man" (thank you Matthew for downloading the song for me), and I remember how fiercely I used to cling to the hope that song represented for me. I remember reading that Bob Dylan was under fire within the orthodox folk community for having moved away from topical-political songs to more introspective numbers (bear in mind that, up until then, no self-respecting folks would have countenanced the presence of amplified guitars in their midst). But I realised, that no matter what, electric sound not only had Dylan's acquiescence, but enthusiastic support. :)
"Blowin' In The Wind" is also another of my favourites. Indeed Dylan has impressed me, with his trademark nasal vocals, his guitar and harmonica skills, and how he reinvented the folk music genre, along the way affecting pop, rock, and country with his poetic and often political songs.
But for now, I'm deeply in love, and almost desperately clutching to the line "let me forget about today until tomorrow". :) Merry Christmas everyone, and thanks for the many cards, big hugs.
bridge over trouble water
[i'm on your side]
The first day is always the worst. It's not the darkness I'm afraid of but the loneliness; a different kind of darkness that lets it little fingers clasp around you and eats away at your fear, sucking you in and pulling you deep, deep, deep into a miasma of darkness. Leaves me really scared. A dull bubble that slides around you and consumes you.
Early in the morning, darkness has already fallen and I feel loneliness creep around me already, licking and nuzzling the night air, fresh, crisp and sweet. I want to hear your voice.
Seneca spoke the universal truth, as did Schweitzer: "We are all so much together but we are dying of loneliness." I am, I am, I am. Let me summon some energy.
Anyway, it's been quite a busy few days, but I'm still quite peaceful and looking foward to many things. Dreading one, but trying to see the hope beyond the pain.
here i am to worship
[here i am to bow down]
I am a little raggedy worse-for-wear, waking up with mysteriously aching abs and feeling smaller. Hurr hurr strange. But I'm glad that I roused myself out of the Firefly-induced stupor time and time again and got about my business because I found myself quite genuinely caught up. I guess despite all my complaints, I honestly feel that life is all about listening, to actually have a heartfelt or borrowed answer to people's problems, however ineffectual it may often be.
i want you and your beautiful soul
[there is nothing left to hide]
My soul clings to you. There are moments where I blank out and start probing into this hushed void inside, brimming with the emptiness that comes with the fear of the unknown. There is no darkness here, nor is there light, it's just a sinister whisper from nowhere and I silence it with prayer.
"Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done"
...but right now I don't know what that means for the next few months to come.
And Jing: If Shanghai has camels, you wouldn't have to miss me. I like to think that there are gargantuan things with dangly limbs lurking in This Tropical Island too. :)
i sing to her a lullaby
[rockabye, rockabye, rockabye]
I'm like sand in a palmful of seawater that is you - insignificant yet thoroughly overwhelmed. Sometimes I just want to be filtered out. I'm an insoluble impurity, I like to seem devoid of emotional attachment - but that's just a facade, because there's still a lot of me floating around inside you out there.
I need to go back to Beijing. I don't think I can keep this up. The wind in Beijing beckons. That's something I can never get in Singapore - the air here is stagnant, with zero bracing breezes and powerful gusts that swirl around mountaintops. Or I could stay in Singapore - and not move - like when under the cascade of a perfectly adjusted shower and tucked into bed on a rainy day in a dark room.
Like a happy secret, buttoned up, immobile. And yet now, there are only questions. Sometimes I think - Do you know if – Did he really – Are you sure that – What's the point of wondering, if perhaps it was merely self-delusion? The lallang is in full bloom today, by the railway tracks. Did you know they grow in graveyards, nourished by the souls of the dead?
There’s no point in wondering perhaps. You silenced my universe.
ai shou le you gei, wo men dou bu tai wan mei... I have to learn to accept even within my own home. Love is so powerful that sometimes it can hurt so bad. How did things become like that, I wonder. Hope this struggle pays off. Oh gosh, I need to talk to you so badly - the yearning is proving to be a dull ache, a prelude to splintering.
Jing's away in Shanghai too! Boohoo.
searching places to find...
[a piece of something to call mine]
Can you hear what I hear? I hear the winds of change...
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought
I thought I thought.
Met up with my cousins yesterday amidst the hurly burly. My mother played with Chester, my baby cousin, who is very cute and has arms like porkchops. He is so well-fed that he reminded me of Roald Dahl's story about the weight-enhancing royal jelly and this feeling of trepidation crept up to the bottom of my spine, resulting from visions of him emerging into some queen bee and killing everyone in a behemoth state. Babies are always so fascinating - they embody the whole concept of moving on - out with the old, preoccupation with the new. Isn't that what life is about? That's why people go for the Singapore Learning Festival, that is why people upgrade themselves, that is why the old die and only deserve to work at Macdonalds. That is why there is nothing left between us - because the old die and there is no point holding the old when we have all the new in the world to goggle at and to love.
I think I've lost too many things, and I don't want to look back on my life anymore and count all the missed opportunities. Wo hui yi zhi hao hao guo. Ni yi jing yuan yuan li kai... Wo zhen de mei you tian fen. Wo hui xue de fang qi ni.
you gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser!
[stronger now :)]
What else is left but this interminable restless monologue that amplifies itself like moonshine in the darkest of nights. As I grip only the thinness of the very moment my thoughts lean toward the what-will-come and my imagination starts praying for itself. I "must like a whore unpack my heart with words". Maybe it is the occasional nights that bring the strange sadness, the queer feeling of wanting to preserve melancholy in its beautiful lonely place, which is within, yet wanting so much to hear warmth and be completely understood, and yet still wanting and wanting. I pray for dreams of sunshine.
her life was stole
[now we'll never know]
I thank God for my results, 'nuff said. All the glory to Him! I am so cheap to be affirmed by perfection.
Today left a bitter aftertaste, it feels like a breakup, the sinking feeling of a broken and bad relationship - you only seem to remember the worst parts of it and all the pretty precious bits are lost and deliberately overlooked. Fell sick again, horrible immune system, festering in the dark, murky and incompetent depths. Falling sick can sure change your mood, I am presently sick and sniffly and aching in all directions, and also very very much locked in self abnegation and utmost pity.
In a moment of irrelevance, I have come to a conclusion that although I derive comfort from ordinary, typical days, but occasional jubilance makes me happier. Give me a random surprise, or just a little sweet event, nothing major, but like little rosebuds of blessings left along the way by some divine hand - for I fear to tread on carefully prepared paths.
I need Him to elucidate. I have a feeling I don't deserve any of my blessings.
lead me to your dawn
[weeheewoohooewaahaa]
Today you seemed paper-thin, like a lantern, or the translucent skin around the eggs we had soaked in vinegar for a week until the shell had completely dissolved. I worry about you most at these times.
Now that the exams are over, let me get in touch with my childish side. I love sesame street. It must be one of my favourite shows. I remember I used to want to live on sesame street as a muppet, as a kid. Now I've matured. I want to live on sesame street as a sweet-natured adult, one who is altruistic, busy with meaningful acts of charitable and uncalled for goodness, be it the letter or number of the day. I'll teach everyone to sing cheerful songs with lilting tunes and dance like nobody's watching, and most importantly, I'll teach the children how to laugh. Sincerely. Pity, now that I've grown up, I don't want to be grover and elmo anymore. I used to be tickled pink when grover did stupid things with his pink nose and skinny arms, and when elmo went "YAAAAY!" and all you could see was his nose and his gargantuan gob. Such jubilitation, and pure unadulterated (pun intended) joy!
When I say play with me, you say sesame!
"play with me!" "sesame!" "play with me!" "sesame!"
I think I prefer the show now as compared to when I was younger. I must be going through a hormonal phase.
To begin my off-tangent musings again, I think what literature does is to distort life and reality in a way suited to our abstract ideas about it. just as the written word holds the power to make what is become what seems, the paintbrush does too. A photograph merely captures, an illustration disects. Reality is as huge and as unphantomable as the term "larger than life". Art enlightens by presenting a bit of it in a way that is especially true, and so the brilliance shines through.
Art is symbolic and metaphorical. All illustrations to life break down at some point, because the what is and the what seems are in different realms. A photograph, a paragraph, or a picture can grip a splitsecond of reality, but life itself is beyond time. If there were a fourth dimension, we would probably not understand it at all, just as we would never understand the concept of a cube if we lived in a two-dimensional world, but it would probably fester in the realm of our imagination, somewhere palpable but inaccessible.
Do you want the bleb of the icicle, a precious bit of truth about life, instead of being tentative and undecided and reluctant? Move away from the grey areas...
starry starry night
[crushed and broken on the virgin snow]
What's there to say these days? every word that escapes from my gob comes out in an petulant hiss - ssssian... sssstudy.... ssssigh.. What's there to think of these days? Aplenty. I am now having daydreams of dancing on tables and ripping my worksheets apart after the exams. Destruction! MUAHAHAHAHA. Weeheewoohoo.
I miss those small miracles. Wil update after the exams.
stairways leading down to nowhere
[why keep going round in circles to break my heart again?]
I've been having VERY weird dreams lately. Just the day before yesterday, when I lay in my bed sick and sniffly, I dreamt that I was doing a project with Debbie and Sharleen (which I never have before, and will be fun I prognosticate), in a room I had never seen before - it was white, no wallpaper, clean tables, computer in one corner - placed on those spotless computer table fixture things. Then, Ms Tan (the one who is in the OTHER hemisphere now) barged in, and called me out to "quan" me about not being too perfectionistic and killing myself, and about limits, and other weird and helpful things. I woke up feeling like I was living in an alternate reality, all the details were SO CLEAR. Up to what everyone was wearing. Urgh.
And last night had to be the ultimate. I decided to defy all the pragmatism embodied by "qi ren you tian". I dreamt the sky was literally falling down. Black clouds were breaking off from the ominous and spreading darkness and whizzing down to smash up everything. And my mother was screaming for me to look after my siblings, and get this: I had NINE siblings (probably some pre-apocalyptic baby boom). And though I somehow knew that death was imminent, all I remember running through my head was how beautiful it all was, an overwhelming sense of reflief that this terrible dance, that this terrible existence would soon be over and I could let go of everything. Why?
I should probably start mugging proper. Waiting till Saturday and Sunday to cram EVERYTHING in is really not a good idea, for my psychological well-being especially.
i will get down on my knees
[and i will pray]
I am sick, and royally pissed off.
Have you ever seen a grouper devour pitiable smaller fish. It is gross, the little fish will keep writhing and poke its head out, thrashing, get spat out, half-spewed, slammed against gravel and rocks, and then finally eaten after being sucked in repetitively with much distate, I hasten to add. Bio in action is never pretty. Under the veneer of peace and stability, it is a jungle out there! I will survive. *tarahboomdday!* It's just like all our RP ideals is it not? I mean, before execution, they are noble intentions, and respectable hopes and visions. But once executed by incompetence, they are distasteful, they cause you to lose faith, they disappoint. Ok, perhaps I'm making a skewed parallel, but really... Someone once told me that RP ideals are just like nightmares. Though shrouded by a cloud of black murkiness, the essential core is beautiful - a mare, waiting to run free. I pray one day it does! :(
One day we should make ritualistic burning part of curriculum, at the end of every schooling year, to get rid of the emotional dross accumulated.
I am still trying to bear in mind that it is enough to be loved by God, God who is tender and merciful. And yet I am far far too human always, forever seeking for some spark or some warmth; I seek where I may not necessarily find. The door I knock at, my faith is too little. Do you believe that God can answer you in half an hour? Anything is possible with God if you believe in Him. And still I struggle and cannot surrender everything to Him - even when your spririt is crushed and broken your shred of all too human pride keeps you from yielding to the Grace flowing from His seat of mercy. Wash over me, O Blood and Water! Break and humble my heart, or rather, break my humble heart. If it is Your will to trample and crush what I am, what dreams I may have, then ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
I desecrate myself. Zero confidence, and that wicked voice keeps telling me "you are nothing, you are nothing". Which if you think about it, is true if I keep putting God as a secondary subversive element of my life. Sigh.
God is everywhere
[all around, up and down, here and there...]
i.
The adolescent's mindnovel is essentially a fairy tale. Immaturity abounds. I imagine myself searching for a meaning that transcends paperwork. I imagine myself trying to read everyone else's minds. I imagine the empathy, the pain, the contorted suffering that will engulf me when I explore the daily scrolls of autobiographical anecdotes that fester behind their transparent eyes of incandescent thoughts. We are all so selfish, festering deep within together with factual logs will be the Self as the protagonist, over and over again with naked repetition, because we never view ourselves as villains. No villains, only victory over victims. I would hate myself so much if I could read everyone else's minds, because then I would know how I was like too. I would be plagued and paralyzed with omniscience - to know the follies, streams of consciousness, fears, forbearance of every miniscule individual. Ooogaaaaah.
ii.
There is more to life than grades, more to life than chasing down every temporary high (which explains my "still blogging" status when the exams loom closer and closer). Look at those Singapore Idols - watch them on stage and know that you, sitting in that seat over there, are only halfalive. Dreams, dreams.... Blessed is he who loves his work such that work is pleasure! If only work were not a means to an end! Pure, unadulterated pleasure lying like sacrificial virigin snow - white and bare on the sheets. Inaccessible too. I blame only myself, though at moments, I laugh and giggle to myself and point a finger at The System.
iii.
One day I will find you, my kindred spirit. I will fill the hollows, and you will set the lips in stone. The vine will grow on and on, with palms pressed towards each other with the balm of healing and happiness.
:) toodles!~
one heart you are following
[one wish keeps you trying]
I deleted my previous two entries - what did that inane quiz mean anyway? What do goodbyes mean when they are recorded in continuous prose? I will get around to clearing emotional backlog (not to mention revision backlog) once realization has set in. Revelation cringes, reality bites, eh?
Having said that, I am feeling wistful now. I wish I could reach across history and curse the Romantic movement. What, why, did they have to anchor in the heart of every artist and dreamer that impossible yearning, that obsession, that desire to be Novalis (which is btw, impossible). But anyway it has caught on, or maybe it merely stirred something that was inherent in art anyway, to the detriment of every adolescent who believes him/herself artistic.
Also am wistful for my best friend, whom I sent off at the airport yesterday. Sigh, separation is such a wonderful way to squander youth - moon your heart over the unattainable! Anyhow, self-depreciation is getting me nowhere. The problem with me is my need to freeze moments, to make a frieze of them. I don't want to let go, yet I want to start to suffer so that the emotional dross acccumulated won't have a chance to overwhelm my complete being in totality. ARGH into that loop again I see.. ARRRRRRRR SEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I’m so stupid.
I'm reading my old blog posts - what a long way i've come. I think I used to write with a more immature tone for one - posts meant less than I'd like them to, the old enthusiasm, the exhibitionist streak, is fading. I used to spend train rides thinking of what to blog about, sifting through the events of the day, touching up and making presentable. Now there seems little point - I just rush through thoughts, pen them down, and close the pitas window.
Cathartic. Indeed.
I bet I'm going to grow up as a 1996 Ikea catalogue with stupid coloured photos, living vicariously through the snapshots of happy children playing with the ubiquitous loopy green snake, their parents sipping tea. I'm never going to be glossy and 'normal', but instead a relic of august times past. Inexorably dramaqueen, eh... :P
Then again, that probably crystallizes what I want to be, what I want to work for... I want to be assuring like those catalogues - offering some semblance of order in a chaotic world - where houses in real life are drab and cluttered, with the ikea catalogue there's always this cleansing hope. I'll offer storage solutions, I will help the inexperienced homemaker to keep his sanity. I will turn all things around with God's grace. I'll be that old, comforting smell. Goodness knows what teak does to the westerners... ;)
toodles darlings…
from a distance, from a distance...
[hope of hopes, love of loves]
The song 'The Rose' really made a lot of sense to me, though the intensity of emotion I feel probably would not be able to cohere in a reasonabale CLE journal entry that merits the central pore of the whole lesson today...
I'm tired, as in really conkedout tired tired. And achey and in need of a long snooze. Not that i have a right to feel so right? I could very possibly not be a human and thus lose all basic human rights. I could be a malevolent hellspawn with wings and scales and eyes of fire. RIGHT.
Attitude - if only it were that simple to accept, alter paradigms, and change mindsets. I struggle to find my own balancing beam, because no matter how precarious the walk *tippy toes*, I need support and affirmation. Right now, I'm just wondering if there's a safety net down there as I tumble down. But it's ok, don't need to ask me if I am fine, or offer me any encouragement, I will find that by making astute decisions and taking advice garnered. :)
I feel that Ms Hoo said one thing that rang very true before. I've blogged about it before (cue to scroll down) - that love is never a feeling, but a decision. It's so conscious I never wanted to interpret as a chemical reaction. And no matter what, I still value actions over words, and even so, at this stage, I will not believe. I was so crabby today, sorry Ms Hoo, I even nitpicked about her use of 'sympathetic' because I felt that word in itself connotates the existence of stratum in the Singapore education system. No bovine scantilage about being the elite here...
I want a dog really, to keep me company. A dog with soft feet and big black eyes. Still I fear the last vestiges of existence. I fear attachments and life because I can't keep up. Well, sometimes anyway. I'm too much of a squishable person.
I'm cramping.
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you, it's only seed
It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love, in the spring
Becomes the rose
Lovely...
now and forever, remember the words from my heart
[will always be true]
Pseudolosing my handphone for the day almost drove me into panic, goodness. It made me realise how dependent I am on the little things I save, addresses and phone numbers and words of encouragement, or banal new years' greetings. When a moment has passed it just disappears so quickly. Probably that's why I actually bother to cling onto the detritus of life - salvaged, salvaged. I use these things to confirm my humanity - I am a real person - see this? and this? and THIS. Yeah, something like that. Haha, without sounding trite and self-absorbed of course. I try.
I have really got to learn to be more accepting, if not I will end up as a tortured conceptual artist, and my fellow post-modernists will call me an anachronism and the nuances of my work will be left unappreciated, and while they talk I will fester in my living tradition.... AHHHHHHH! NOOOOOO! :X Ok I believe I just discouraged myself! :P
O and because there is a dearth of bloggable things, I shall recount what happened in the car. I was resting, and there was this cockroach/beetle/bug-thing crawling along the window frame, wiggling its feelers emphatically, like: twitch, twitch. I was quite horrified at first, but then fatigue took over, and I took a little nap. Then I open my eyes and discovered it just above me, peeking out from behind the sunshade, feelers still twitching and everything, and for the first time I realised: what long feelers cockroaches have. And so I was pinned to my seat for the rest of the journey, about ten minutes perhaps (which seemed like FIVE HOURS), anticipating an apocalypse of insectopia!!!! Kinda like an aryan in need of lebensraum. If only Hitler was as kind as me. Hee hee hee.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
TOODLES POODLES NOODLES WOODLES!!!!!!!!! Hugs to everyone, and world peace! \/ Who is ELMSWORTH? Isn't that a London Avenue. Hee hee. :) Tell me who you are elsewhere if you so please. :D
because it's cold-cold-cold, in my hole-hole-hole!
[i want your warmth]
I think the gift of eloquence is powerful, not to be abused wantonly. I have been thinking, and I direct at those with half a glib constitution to spout sweet nothings, promise the world, prevent an apocalypse (right!). All those assertions, I'd rather take them as a mountain of brown fur, thank you very much. This world is a veritable fount of vitriol, and though this statement in itself is a bit oversteppy (the temerity!) - I really don't care. Seriously, using eloquence for emotional blackmail, I don't think so - I'm learning to stand up to abuse, like a toddler learning to walk, like a released prisoner learning to breathe the free air again. I shall end by recalling (essentially for my own benefit) Max Ehrmann. Though finding solace in overrepeated inspirational drivel is a bit ignominous, WHATEVER *fans self*.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Let go of it, yeah. I'm not worth it at all.
That was what went through my head yesterday. Today, all that you said seems beautifully reassuring. Yet it still pisses me off so terribly. It's like broadway - its irrational exuberance annoys me, but I am touched by the poignant humanity, the snappy dancing, the sidestepping, the handwaving, the glitz and pomp, and the carefully crafted chord progressions. And the simple ways and roundabout words you use to cheer me up. Ah well, and as for the song, it's a nice song.
When you're feeling lost in the night,
When you feel your world just ain't right,
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough,
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better,
I'll be there to protect you,
See you through,
I'll be there and there is nothing
I won't do
I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will
I will shield your heart from the rain
I will let no harm come your way
Oh these arms will be your shelter
No these arms won't let you down,
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you
I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress, tall and strong
I'll keep you safe,
I'll stand beside you, right or wrong
I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you i will
For you I will, lay my life on the line
For you I will fight, a hulk
For you I will die
With every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my world, I'll give it all
Put your faith in me (put your faith in me)
And I'll do anything
I will cross the ocean for you (I will cross the ocean)
I will go and bring you the moon(yeah I'll bring the moon)
I will be your hero your strength (oh I will be your hero)
Anything you need (I will be oh)
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all times
Promise you (promise you)
For you i will
I will, I will, I will
I will cross the ocean for you(I will cross the ocean)
I will go and bring you the moon(yeah)
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need (let me be your hero)
I will be the sun in your sky (yeah baby)
I will light your way for all times
Promise you (I promise you)
For you I will (I will)
Promise you (promise you)
For you I will (whoa...)
I promise you
For you I, I will
they say that home is where the heart is
[so follow your heart]
Burp. I'm inordinately pleased with myself for having finished the CLE presentation. Now I will just have to wait for Ms Hoo's letter of resignation, no? :) Today I have a strange feeling I was verbose again, upon reading Nat Wee's very very amusing entry. And I was particularly affronted when Ms Hoo said,"I knew Suat would laugh at that" when Amelia pronounced something wrongly. Hey, like HOI what is that supposed to mean? Inadvertently I recoil at bad english, but Amelia's english is NOT BAD. Bet it was the stress of talking about RHD that caused her tongue to roll back... Hee hee. Anyway I made a weird discovery today. I can't consume hi-chew sweets. Sorry for wasting one precious nugget of sacchrine sweetness from your whole pack of hi-chew sweets (which I coincidentally bought *rolls eyes*) Jing... :P I get a very bad reaction towards the intensity of the sweet flavour and I almost puked today. Who would have thought that hi-chews could induce vomit? I never used to have this problem. ODD.
I was unable to save a broken bird today. The bout of angry indignation still lingers, and oh that remorse I still for not being able to snap my fingers and magic it back to health. Imagine being stuck in that foul tarry glue and struggling to get free, ripping off half your feathers before falling all the way to the ground in a dislocated mass of pain. You watch it blink haplessly, its wings were folded but at right angles to each other. The rest of it glued together and utterly broken. Guess what, yes, I did actually see this pidgeon on the way home today past RI. How anyone could contrive to put glue on that ledge, I have no idea. And it's even more evil because it is the pidgeon's own will to live that makes it struggle to get free, and it is the struggle that gets it more enmeshed in the glue and makes it do unbelievable damage to itself. Stupid stupid stupid. And I can't do anything. Yeah that feels the worst of all. My mother was like, please do not touch it. Evil... And that wicked boy/girl/amalgamation who put glue on that ledge. What the...
Peace! And little girl legs! :)
baby when you finally get to love somebody
[it's gonna be me!]
Every little thing I do, it never seems enough for you. I can never understand you, just want to say all the best buddy. Sometimes I am amazed at everyone's immaturity, and today has to be the day. Why doesn't anyone want to clear up the air, why do we all jump to conclusions? Even myself...
Somehow I can't look at people in the same light again. It is so pointless. Why are we all behaving like petulant children? Why are we letting such trivial matters affect us when we are clearly aware that others are facing greater trials? This is not aimed at anyone, but I somehow feel so unhappy. So exasperated. Just spent a few hours musing, we are such a wretched lot...
SNAP OUT OF IT. FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Catastrophes, what are they? Let's take my problems for instance. I have issues with people, my grandmother is sick and possibly will have to go for an operation soon, and one unmentionable problem, and everyone seems to be pandering for my attention LIKE NOW. I treat these all as apocalyptic. Within my sphere of existence, they seem to manifest themselves so much I can't escape. I feel trapped. Why? Because I am self-centred, I am selfish, I am obdurate, I am sheltered. I haven't been exposed enough. If I think my problems are big, HAH. I am so wrong. It's nothing compared to famine, separation from loved ones, etc. Seriously, just GET OUT OF THE RUT. Continue hoping, with faith, with love.
Chew, spit. Chew, spit. Muse, get over it, reflect. If I ever complain about my problems, just slap me.
And at the end of the day, what if everything we have built up crumbles down into despondence and a void of nothingness? What will we then have to clutch onto? Sometimes I really puzzle over this. Our faith? Our beliefs? Will these be dragged down by the accolades and material possessions that falter and trip...? Then, will we be stripped to the barest strand of the human spirit? Is there not a touch of eternity in our lives now... I need to go think.
do you believe in life after love?
[no matter how hard i try]
I'm really appreciating food right now. I ate apple and yoghurt last night and it made my tummy rumble in a violent, cruel and repriachful manner. I rubbed on vapex! to no avail. It just had this cooling effect on my stomach, the same kind that perspiration results in. Today everything looks too sharp or oily or salty or spicy or difficult, so I haven't eaten breakfast yet. I had better eat lunch before I develop irrevocable gastric, I can feel the hydrochloric acid eating away at my stomach wall. I want eggplant and potato soup, they are such comfort foods, even for a petulant stomach that is intent on throwing tantrums of gastronomic proportions.
On a lighter note, I've cleaned up the clutter on my study table. I found lots of letters I had not replied to. Bad bad suat...
Anyway, I hope my life regains its 'normal' tempo, as normal as normal gets. IT ANNOYS ME LIKE AN ANAL ITCH ANNOYS A TAPEWORM INFESTED ELEPHANT. I wish it were violently allergic to me and had to keep a 20m radius at all times. It refers to he/she, not a dog or another poor innocent animal.
Tried watching Passion of Christ again and found myself crying like a baby... Oh well...
We've been back to school on Thursday, watched two adaptations of Macbeth. I shan't post my judgments here, or rather, my two cents of 'wisdom', anyone who cares two hoots should just ask me for my lit journal. Polanski's adaptation was obviously the one I preferred. He stuck faithfully to the text, but the thematic conceptualization, the plot/character development, etc. was done superbly well. Despite full frontal nudity, flashing of nether regions, blood and impossible gore, it was commendable. Anyway, thwing and I researched on it so we could pre-empt... ended up not watching 50% of it though, but we knew what happened, so bah.
Oh and I would like to thank thwing profusely. I have named them... :) <33! ily*!
sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
[in a year from now...]
It feels surreal to be sitting here and thinking, reflecting, just being me. It feels bizzare to be typing this when I have lots of work to do. It feels plain ODD to be listening to random tracks on my CDs and desconstructing lines.. And to be able to sit here, and think alone. No group discussions, no thinking aloud. Ha. You don't know what I'm thinking about. NEH NEH.
Things finally came to a standstill after Open House yesterday.I can momentarily just step aside and stop taking over, stop taking charge, stop worrying about others. Sigh, I can finally unwind... Maybe I can just suspend myself in this time complex and pretend I was never engaged to this labyrinth of the mindless...
I want to eat my vege and read. I haven't read Midnight's Children and Catch 22 and if I don't read them by the end of the holidays I am going to shoot myself, seriously. And in relation to what jing groused about, I'd like to be able to write once again, to share my value systems, to engage in thrilling introspection. gan gan lai ba! I want to construct, to create, to change... But sometimes I do wonder why I hold such big ideals when I can't even solve the problems in my life. I've been working so hard, never pausing to assess my environment... That when the truth of what I've missed hits me I'll just collapse into hysteria. I tried to remove all emotion from work so I wouldn't develop unhealthy attachments, I tried to make sure school never plays too big a part in my life, I tried to make sure my teachers will never be able to influence me much. But this disillusionment is clearing, it is indeed stupid to try to be impassionate, how can I ever let go of something that means so much to me? How can I be distant from what I want in life, what I want to amass, what I know God has given me to achieve? Curious detachment indeed, and as for the teachers in school, they've influenced my life so greatly and touched me in ways I never imagined were possible before...
It leads me to think what kind of person I'll be when I leave RGS/RJC... Met my old teacher whom I used to respect a lot a couple of days ago, and I realised that I've changed, as she has. I found myself desperately searching for mental snapshots of our times together. It's there, just that they seem so far. It's the moment of now that matters I guess. It leads me to wonder, your definition of one year, two years, three years... You are going to wait till then? It's almost hilarious really, perhaps then I will have to search for that mental snapshot of you, and it will be that of a child. For really, it became rather irrelevant to store mental snapshots ever since emotions got in the way... I feel almost nostalgic. And I hate it that you make me feel this way.
In response to 'your song', I only have this to say: sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny / sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way for you and me. Sorry.
spread my wings and fly away
[i believe i can soar]
I'm tired, but the interpersonal aspect of school keeps me going. Ploughing on with slow but steady steps, intermittently wondering if the grass on the other side of the fence is greener, if it is softer, more comfortable..? And after subjugating my very sardonic nature under a more ambiguous closure of fine *ether*, I feel as if my head has been turned into a lump of billous green cotton wool. I am stuck in reverie, thanking Him for all the people around me. Oh truly, I would probably perish without all you minnions. But of course I can't go around telling all of you that, I have griped too much in my streams of consciousness, and it would be awkward and destroy the equilibrium I've painstakingly trained myself to maintain. I'm having a headache now, and it is morning (I think my biological clock makes sure I don't sleep beyond the limit of 4 hours)... So I'm sitting here, pretending to understand what is becoming of my life, er existence, and the Ancient Iced Tea from the Holland V bakery place is keeping me alive.
I want to feel like a Massai warrior... but I don't seem to have that tenacious hold of my spear at all. Argh, I shall not strive for perfection! I shall stop being such an obssessive compulsive 'foolish one'. Fifteen is not the age for your body to be breaking down, for you to miss the feeling of the wind against your skin, or for THE BAGS to double their size beneath your eyes. Fifteen is not the age when friendships are laid by the wayside or abandoned for lack of time. Fifteen is not the age to bury yourself in work as though there's no more to life. It is not the time to give up dreaming, it's not the time to bury dreams. It is most definitely not the age to turn your back on feeling, to shutter hearts or to snuff out passion. In my sad vessel, is it not surprising that things die? This was inspired by my pet fish, who just died. I wrote his epitaph:
Oh Bodoler (yes, that's his name, no bodo-leh wise cracks, must remain in reverie), how you have touched my life within this short span of time. You were the only real fish I had, the rest of my fish are plastic and made of rubber. You made me happy by blowing your little bubbles of joy, swimming around, frolicking with your fins, rubbing them against the fishbowl as if you were trying to stroke my cheeks. You were a very intelligent fish, and you went to hide behind your synthetic seaweed when HE WHO SHOULD NOT BE NAMED came to my house... How very wise, he would have hurt you otherwise. :P Ok this is getting off tangent, but I always thought you were Einstein reincarnated, I remember how I could always tell if I was doing my worksheet correctly just by looking at your eyes - they were either shining with pride or screaming "purile". Oh well, looks like I will have to make do with my father's big fat ugly fish now. I won't have my little buddy with me anymore. Have fun in heaven! :) And don't forget me... Keep in touch! :'(
Okie, ta!
there's power in the name of Jesus!
[You are the sovereign One]
In my beginning I always encrypt my end. :) And I feel happy, as I watch the world in a wellspring of wiffly wonder! I am Alliteration's victim. Yesterday was pure 'hell' for me. Incredible that I made it out alive. Praise Him! :) Consumatum est!
The most interesting block of the day was CLE. We had congress forum. The first forum was honestly very dampening and too contrived. I was so incredibly annoyed during the first forum (sorry jing!) but this second forum off-set all the past complaints and grouses. It actually made complete sense, one of the reasons being it was now run by the students, we were calling the shots. Ok that sounds pompous, but you get my drift... I mean a forum is to sit and listen to fellow schoolmates strip the school down to its bare bone, and thoroughly leave the principals and HODs in introspection, or at least some form of vague reflection. I mean, think, people, think. Revise rationales, review schemes, rethink blueprints. I usually observe these forums without being judgmental. Then again, how can you observe without judging? That's splitting hairs...
Well I did make a few judgments for myself. But they were well grounded. All the HODs were being politically correct, and I am not planning to strangle them for that, it is not a good plan to spout anti-RGS conjectures for fear of garnering dirty looks from the echelons of authority and admin. If not, kena big time. :P Goodness knows I try hard to be a, well, good person, but the occasional lapse in judgement or tact makes the lesson that much harder to learn; and it really gets me down when such things happen because it bothers me a lot that i've hurt someone else, inadvertently or no. So I usually refrain from all comment. Call me stupid lorh. But the HOD I had a definite problem with was GLK. I was seriously shocked that she had no idea what was going on, and passed the buck to YPL and AW (haha, initials *halo*). Twas very appalling. She did not give direct answers, sometimes what she said was so off tangent there were uproars from the crowd. At least YPL came up with figures, and monetary quotations to substantiate. Very irresponsible as the head of PE/CCA. I think she should have things more under control. With management like that, it is no wonder horrible overlaps and confusing misunderstandings occur. I mean we aren't unreasonable people, if you make things crystal clear, there is no reason for us to pursue. We love the school, would love to support its most noble intentions. We were all being constructive I tell you, and I am not biased, because knowing me, if the students were talking absolute crap I would have flipped. I really respect all those who were articulate, altruistic, and kudos especially to Sarah Tan, who cried because of GLK's sweeping statement (hasty generalisation! logical fallacy!) that sport CCAs were more superior than clubs or performing arts! HELLO? Time investment, mental effort, emotional toll... Time to do some check and balance... X( Was indignant when she said something like that, but she can be judgmental for all she wants, as long as she gets her facts clear. And GLK was actually fuming after congress, according to Jing. I think she should reflect (internal frame of reference, CLE ahahaha) and improve, we don't hold anything against her, but if she continues to be so defensive towards our supposed 'maledictions', I think that is really unforgivable. Sorry. Was quite disturbed that Sarah Tan cried... Also filled with renewed respect for the way she managed to stop crying and rationally list out her argument halfway. I am sure she must rather emotionally attached to her CCA. As is everyone. Hard for her to be so objective and not defensive. She questioned GLK. Wah SAY! It's a pretty daunting task, trying to sound diplomatic and proposing something that's practical and desired. It's quite a weight because we are all pretty clueless what to suggest in place of our complaints, so I found this forum (which had very sensible and feasible petitions) very rocking! Symbolic resistence, administrative pawn, media mouthpiece or diplomatic coup? What will the HODs be? It remains to be seen... and I am filled with hope! Indeed...I respect Dtan for her handling of situations, and I really hope she won't let us down. As for CCF, I respect her already, let's see where she goes from here. :)
Some days, although we cannot pray, a prayer
utters itself. So a woman will lift
her head from the sieve of her hands and stare
at the minims sung by a tree, a sudden gift
Some nights, although we are faithless, the truth
enters our hearts, that small familiar pain;
then a man will stand stock-still, hearing his youth
in the distant Latin chanting of a train
Pray for us! :D And I wish I had said something now, what's the feeling you get when descending a staircase? Yeh like that lah.
symbol of my faith in who i am
[i won't let my heart control my head]
School's painful. Not so much the lessons as seeing everyone so worn and tired. The buzzing stress that refuses to let you waste any time without getting louder and more stridently driving you away from the telly. Or even think of leaving the house without a folder of knotty worksheets ready to be whipped out in the event of the impending end of the world. Apocalyptic, I say. :)
I feel strangely tired, yet happy! I have got over many setbacks recently, thank you Jing and Ms Tan! :D Having Ms Tan for bio lessons was amazing, we all actually felt like we were learning something. Bad teachers are such an injustice to an otherwise capable class, and now that we have a relief teacher, I feel there is no direction, I wonder about how we are going to cope for our EOIs, I wonder whether what I am doing is worthwhile or not. I seriously wonder... I seem to have lost quite some interest in Bio lessons. Let us hope and pray that God will soon chart a course for us, even if there is no map, save one that acceptance, hope and faith deciphers in the sky! :)
I swell with anger and injustice for my mother, then shrivel up immediately when my grandmother passes a hurtful comment. I feel so hurt sometimes it is as if I live for the other blue pill and I wish the real world would just go away. I feel blighted. But thanks for advising me to let go...
I feel a strange comfort in leaving this to the impropable. I'm a strange girl, so shoot me! Hugs and bye bye!
there's got to be more than life
[than chasing down every temporary high]
Stimulated stress stinks. Schools swamp sick students silently and steadily. Studying saps sleep. Sans superficial soporific streak. So saddening, sigh! sigh! sigh! Seeking spiritual salvation; sustaining self...
alliteration always arouses audience apathy. :)
clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
[one soul all persistence]
Love...
I have seen you in the morning, as dawn's grey fingers pull away to let in light. On your fields walk no one yet, and I can hear the chorus of moisture, wet-on-dew, green fingerlings breathing and growing. I cannot call you kind. We all stand at crossroads at times, loving warmth, detesting the coldness nad inhuman rationality of mankind. How everyone of us embrace our people but reject the self-important, leap along with our successes and yet am pulled down by the tragedies and failures that are played out within. Do we truly love life? Dilemnas? Decisions. Perhaps we do, amidst all the imperfections.
Love, I shall be perfect for you. :) Thwing, look at the song below. If anything, take comfort in omnipotence. :D
He can turn the tides and calm the angry sea
He alone decides who writes a symphony
He lights ev'ry star that makes our darkness bright
He keeps watch all through each long and lonely night
He still finds the time to hear a child's first pray'r
Saints or sinners call and always find Him there
Though it makes Him sad to see the way we live
He'll always say, "I forgive."
He will come to us and heal our sinful soul
He alone says your sins I forgive you
He will light your way and make your darkness bright
He keeps watch all through the lonely years ahead
He still finds the time to wipe our tears away
Saints or sinners still He loves us all the same
Though it hurts Him much to see the way we live
He'll always say, "I forgive."
He can grant a wish or make a dream come true
he can take the clouds and turn the grey to blue
He alone knows where to find the rainbow's end
He alone can see what lies beyond the bend
He can touch a tree and turn the leaves to gold
He knows ev'ry lie that you and I have told
Though it makes Him sad to see the way we live
He'll always say: "I forgive."
Cheers! :)
in my heart there'll always be a place for you
[i'll keep a part of you with me]
Today I sat between Debbie and Amelia (two extreme ends of the spectrum of sanity, no prizes for guessing which end Debbie is on eh? ;)) during national celebrations. I realise I do indeed have the spirit, spirit, spirit. :) Funny how I think that I am an ingrained cynic, that this is just an emotional high, soon to level off into a plateau, and then dip down a valley (geographically incorrect? well, I don't take geog! :P). But out of nowhere, I just suddenly felt this strange sense of solemnity and attachment. So weird. And it was during the speeches that this feeling was evoked, I dare say emotions garnered during pedantic time frames are always more authentic. Methinks so. :D This morning I caught three Sec ones who found their lives empty and meaningless, and were screeching the school song at the top of their voices. Magnanimously, I didn't throw my chem worksheet at them. Lucky chem worksheet. I let my mind drift to the happy little place until they stopped.
I like rah-rah celebrations, but I appreciate the silent pensive reflection there-after. :) Cheers! Happy National Day! And btw, Kaleni, thank you so much. I will survive, and I will pull you up too if you ever fall down. :)
if i could find you now, things would get better
[we could leave this town and run forever]
I feel empty, and sick. O sickness be away with thee!
You can tell I am very very committed. :)
I know I only give shoulder hugs, but don't you think that as long as you hug with intention, the other person will feel something? I hug to give part of myself away. Not for fun. So all those who think I am cute and therefore hug me, away with thee! :P Hug me because you love me! :D bwahaha...
Ok shut up suat! This is the very first nonsensical post in a long while. Well I just really need to strike a balance soon. Like someone told me, I have too big a heart and I do not look after myself. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Is it really that hard to strike a balance, to refuse to fulfill a request, to decline to help someone, to push away, to reject with a 'no'? I may be cheeky, outspoken, and often blunt, but based on the premise I never mince my words, I always mean it when I say 'yes, I will help you'. Does that all have to change? I will not let it change. But where is the pivotal point such that I do not veer to both extreme ends of the spectrum? Sigh, that is so scary. To think my life could be turned upside down by just an innate quality.
Anyway, I really thank God for all the people He has given me to talk to about my problems. They are really all so sweet, even if sometimes I am scared of them, even if sometimes I feel insecure around them. I thank God for older people, because call me an old soul or whatever you please, I feel older people can empathise better.
Ok, I shall delete this entry soon, I prognosticate. Then again, I am no horoscope. :)
i will be there
[here, there and everywhere - changing my life with a wave of her hand]
So far, my half-formed stabs in the dark have all been yielding As. Let's hope that I won't get the leftovers for any test, especially tests of faith. :)
Hello electronic world again. I guess things do look a darker shade of grey now. Been trying to knuckle down and study, with varied success. I even forgot I had a chemistry test today, but I found it manageable. Ms Hoo was saying that some of my classmates died for the chemistry test, so I decided promptly to shut up, much to Ms Hoo's approval. :P I live for affirmation like that *rolls eyes*. I think an emotional inertia has come over me. It's weird in a way, as it now really seems to me that I am actually going through the motions, when I always have done so. Ha.
On a more sentimental note, in my humble opinion, whoever coined "falling in love" got it all wrong. So far as I can see, it is more of a deliberate descending (am not being misanthropic here...), more of a conscious commitment. No being knocked over by waves or copiously positioned arrows! :P And anyhow, I don't understand how not consciously committing yourself to a person but instead being (rather painfully, from the sound of it) coerced into a relationship by mysterios cosmic forces is supposed to be flattering to the other party at all. Haha, ok fine. I am a cynic, NOT. I just think that keeping in realism, in reason, is the way to protect emotions, frail and delicate and precious things that they are. Well, I think we love God because we truly trust in Him to lead us, and that trust is placed in three words to Him "I love You!", entailing sacrifice, surrender, love, acceptance, and ai wu ji wu. :) He fills all empty spaces!
Oh, and that reminds me of Bio Prac today. I told Kalpana "I have an empty space, and I want you to fill it". She screeched that it was "the worst pick-up line ever". :P Oho whatever, dare she not admit that she was flattered that I wrote her a love poem in less than a minute flat in CLE? Oho she does bring out the best in me! :D Eeeyer, as lingting would whine.
Ah and Ms Edna Tan is leaving for New York to study. There's one through flight to New York. Oho. Well, she's a really good teacher and I'm sure 314 will miss her encouragement, her cheerful countenance, and her teaching, albiet her frequent impatience towards ignorance. Doo doo birds indeed. :) Ahahahahaha and there's only one more week for her to insult me. Chickenorama!
ta everyone!
without saying a word you can light up the dark
[there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me]
I just want to rest in His peaceful embrace, I just want to lean on His unfailing love. How hard can that be? I really need blind faith at this point in time. Maybe that's my only form of protection. :) I know that sounds escapist, but I have trusted God for most of my life, and I am sure He isn't one who lets His children down...
Sorry for the previous post, I shall try to be more optimistic and not lapse into irrevocable depression. Thank you Victor, Ian, Kalapana, Valencia for being so concerned. I love all of you very much, especially my darling fish and my darling di (who prizes his intuition as his ONLY feminine quality)! :P I beg to differ. Objection!
And lastly but most importantly, thank you jing and christine. Christine, thanks for being so understanding despite facing your own adversities. And jing, What you say actually makes complete sense (for once), and I think too, that it is time to resolve the free will issue, yes? It doth suprises me that God's answer to my prayers can come in taller, slightly tubby packages with white gory locks. Love you, buddy! I shall learn that my doubt should be spurned, and is the badge of sufferance of my tribe. :)
Today was a very day coagulated with thoughts, reflection, and neurotic soul-searching. I shall speak the truth in the name of love. :) I think I shall need to find my fulcrum, my pivot soon, I have got to stop this balancing act. There is no comfort for me, except for that which I wring from thin air with the odd wisp of discipline that flutters by and disturbs my lazy existence. Realising that coming to school can no longer, can never again be a dive into the comfort of the chit-chat of classmates.
But on a lighter note! My life's so different now that Shinjuku-Fishcake is around. I carry a big obnoxious Crumpler around because I fancy Shinjuku-Fishcake feels safest in it compared with all my other slings. And he doesn't leave my side except the awful yesterday when I had to leave him 'resting alone' at home. And I'm so thankful to have him. :) Such a boyfriend substitute >_>! Shinjuku Fishcake is my flat seal stufftoy cum bolster cum pillow. He is supposed to be able to fit around your neck such that it has "GOOD SUPPORT" - strong, silent, firm. Always there to lift me up! God must have sent an angel down in the form of Shinjuku-Fishcake. Oh and how do I know it/she/he is a guy? Why, that's really simple - he has feelings, and he does not leave bits of monthly scarlet residue in his wake, and get horrid cramps, so I never have to waste any Evening Primrose Oil on him. :) Such a money-saver... Keep your theological arguments coming.
I seek something more prayerful. :)
she's taking her time making up the reaons
[if love was red then i must be colour blind]
I really am at a loss now. Such a great load has been lifted off my shoulders, but I feel even worse now. While I was caught up in the flurry of RHD preparation, there were other problems to distract me from my personal problems. I am upset, and I will admit it, I cry. You know, we all hope that God catches our tears when we cry, but sometimes I can't help but think to myself: Why isn't my long wait, my numerous prayers, etc. being rewarded? Why isn't anything I do helping her? My grandmother, someone who means so much to me, why do you want to take her away Lord?
My grandmother is getting better, but there may be 'other complications', things are not what they seem. The doctor reiterates all the scientific jargon about her ailment, but I hear nothing. What other complications? Defiance clouds my mind, tears form blesmishes on my face. I don't understand. So much for being a smart kid, I can never remember things I do not understand. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Like Abraham, I hope to have a fulfilled promise in the end. But what I am experiencing is the polar opposite. Trials and more trials, tribulations, and more tribulations. I suppose they will help me grow closer to Him, more wise, more weathered, but at what cost? God, I do not want to lose a family member for exposure.
I don't know what I am doing anymore. School life is somewhat like a blur, online conversations are more or less like a facade. My appetite is gone due to the late nights I keep just worrying in pensive silence. Too tired, really too tired of everything. I just want to let everything go at this point in time.
But most of all, I want to be broken down so I can be reconstructed. I need to feel alive again, I want to understand. I NEED to understand, perhaps that is the only thing that can save me now. His peace that transcends all understanding? I still need to understand. But I know that more than I need the Spirit, the Spirit needs me to trust in Him. Perhaps, only then, will I understand.
:'(
effervesence observed
[vindicated]
First, another shout-out: Go THWING! <3 Will be praying for you at 9am! :)
Well, I come to you when the tide has turned itself inside out, and the bubbles of anticipation cum regret are now visible. I feel like screaming out to the void: Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be! But of course, my 'normal' cognitive abilities (metacognition, mostly) tell me it would be unwise to venture into such unchartered territory. :P Ok, so I withdraw, pensive and my insatiable curiosity still throbbing.
I really do hope that next Wednesday's Racial Harmony Day goes well, and that everyone has fun. There has been too much tears, too much anxiety, and too much conflict. I really hope that I have done my job as a concert i/c. Somehow even though Mrs Mo asserts I did my job very well, I think that I should effect and affect as a leader harmony within the sub-committees, besides just performing my duties perfunctionally. It's more than efficiency, it's encapsulating everyone in a cosmic bauble of sorts, a more holistic endeavour, perhaps. :) Oh well, learning points, learning points, I say, are inherent in every situation.
Oh, remember how I was posting that I love Spiderman 2! Well, I stil do, and I am still lampooning the frequency spidey loses his mask in the newest film. He is the hero whom we can all relate to, he could be anyone of us, struggling with school, money, love and other assorted problems, plus a great burden. A burden of guilt that weighs heavily over him. Haven't we all been there like that before? Being pushed on to do something as you're racked with guilt? Being unable to say what you want to the girl you like? Feeling absolutely crappy as everyone else is having it good while you're not? Feeling torn apart by all the responsibilites pulling you in many directions? There's a spidey in all of us. So human, indeed. I particularly like his 'punch me and I bleed' line. It resonates with what we live for - life, essence, wellsprings. :)
Just a random note: The Practice is actually a pretty good show. In The Practice, they challenge your concept of morals. Fundamentally justice must be administered using a system, otherwise there would anarchy. Without a proper system, where a person is innocent until proven guilty, and it msut be proven beyond any reasonable doubt, no matter how terrible the crime, no matter how obvious the person was the one who committed all those crimes, he must be proven guilty, beyond reasonable doubt. Otherwise, as I quote, "the only thing in the future between us and a prison cell, is an accusing finger pointed by a child who has a history of lying." Justice is many things but fair. Better to let a guilty man go free than convict an innocent man. Any system has intrinsic flaws, and the judiciary is no different. I feel we cannot be too dependent on one solitary system. It will lead us to our downfall.
<3 to you: They search for me, and you do not. They answer my questions, but you shove such mind-ransacking questions under the bed. I realise that despite all this, I stil love you, despite the clutter, and the emotional baggage. Does that mean I will pander to your expectations? No, not really, but it is easier to be generous when you cry. But then I look back and I am not angry anymore. And I can't love you anymore. Such an oasis of a conflict. :(
God bless all!
libation amidst elusive respite
[none]
First, let me wish Lingting a happy 15th birthday. Hope you like the gift I gave you! Remember to always trust in your present assurances, as you will emerge victorious from continuity! :) Love you lots, grow in God k?
Back to blogging... :P Today, I came home from school and just rested. I read the Bible, sat down, and just closed my eyes and mused. So many added responsibilities have surfaced, but just as well, I am now fifteen. Age does indeed entail more committments, for they are what make or break a person. I hope that I will gain new insights, and grow to be a more loving, more caring person. I finally found the song the Sec One Tribuners performed for Sec Four Farewell, been looping it ever since.
I guess today was tiring because there were three whole practical sessions packed one after another. It is not that it is hard to cope, just hard to give your 100% for each of them. I realised today that I tend to gain solace in incongruity. I tend to find dissimilarties fascinating, and how the different dynamic nature of people form a conglomeration that is quite beautiful, somewhat like a raft sketch, imperfect, but raw and sincere? Yeh. Bio Prac today was quite enjoyable, we made use of very expensive technology, was precarious but opened my eyes to how grinding leaves to discover chlorophyll content could be so peacefully rewarding. My frayed nerves were calmed, and I started off the morning with a sure-footed sense of serenity. :) We could not start on Rugby for PE today, sadly. So we watched this video that was made in the 90s. It is surprising how much progress is made in a span of a decade or so. I am indeed thankful to be living in this time frame. But every moment will soon become a fragment of the past, and in another decade's time, this beginning of the millenium will seem archaic again. Such a vicious cycle!
Nebulous amounts to study for the upcoming tests, and I hope I will have the time to instill these learning points into my life's principles. I think it is very important to appreciate a subject as more than a grade, more than a reflection of marks on your report book. Read up on Redox Reactions and Quantum Physics from my second-hand A Level textbooks. Some parts needed extra contextual knowledge which I have yet to amass, while others offered me much enlightenment. Although at times I felt inadequate, I felt this strange sense of excitement at the sheer amount I had not learnt - a promise that I will never stagnate. :D Anyway, I think the subject I have to brush up on is HCL. I can write compositions and do the exam papers, but my summary is incorrigible. At least it improved in the last exam, which pulled my marks up to 87, but I still have a long way to go to curb my over-embellishment. Then, I can get my perfect GPA. Go Chinese! Ok, shall shift my focus away from that GPA. I love Chinese as a language, but I feel that in amassing academic accolades, sometimes the fact that I missed my 4.0 by so little does indeed pull me away from enjoying that subject in a more holistic sense. :) Chen Laoshi makes it a very fun subject as well, with her quirky little anecdotes, and her tales of optical escapades. She is forever telling me about that, calling me to one side to laugh about her problems, and I find that strangely 'cool' and amusing. It is amazing how silly little things like that can actually make you s m i l e!
And decisions. Oh let us spit out of our mouths what is indecisiveness. Let us shake off our apathy, and step foward. I do not believe decisions are made only to bring joy, for decisions must be made to regret, for there is always a good and bad side to everything. But I think that promises are made to be kept, not broken (contrary to conventional popular expectation), and I feel that when we make decisions, we must consider the promises we made, especially to others. Of course, upholding your own promises is equally important. Good luck, virus and bacteria. THWING.
This entry was just to take a break from my work. I feel much more relaxed now, shall get back to work. :) God bless everyone!
if you get there before i do
[don't give up on me]
Today was a day of great significance. Disturbances in The Force were resolved, I feel peaceful, and I thank God, definitely, for allowing me to rest my burdens at His feet. I will fly on eagles wings, and not 'splat' into a pile of cadaver atoms. Anyway, today, many misunderstandings were resolved, and I am thankful to all those who prayed for me, your special efforts are appreciated so so much. :D I feel strangely lighter, although a perpetual cloud of bitter-sweet regret hangs over me. I should have been more explicit in my absence, and anyway, my Photoshop skills were never that proficient, even if the workshop was about rotating and colour-changing. My "graphics manipulation skills are limited to cutting and pasting, resizing and cropping". Well actually my font aesthetic isn't very well developed either. But I suppose knowledge is always transferable, and I can always learn. My journey of erudition is anything but complete. :)
First blocks are horrible, I agree with Ms Tan. The entire class is so stoned. Response is hackneyed, and 'wisdom' comes through as sarcastic humour and snide comments passed here and there. Of course, classmates who sleep or doze off are part and parcel of our class' early morning facade. Beyond that facade, however, is a hidden briliance that I cannot wait to see shine out beyond its full potential (I can write progress report comments, NEH NEH!). We'll show you tomorrow as we kick butt playing with spoons during CLE. :P
Strangely, once my problems are solved, I feel strangely crabbier than before. And freakishly judgmental. Stop it Suat Ying! But anyway, I wonder why people like to play card games so much. So far, the only one I've been able to muster some form of enthusiasm for is Solitare - I can never remember what constitutes a Royal Flush, Full House and the like, and the joy of throwing down various combinations of cards is lost on me. I suppose this is something people get into just to kill time and to socialise. Why not talk over a meal? As our esteemed Bio Teacher says With Wild Squawking Brilliance (And Feathery Gesticulations, none-pause-the-pause-less), many things transpire through a meal. Ah, we get your point! It is nudge nudge, wink wink time. :X haha
For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
Thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;
No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
- Alexander Pope, Eloisa to Abelard
I think these lines are really nice! Oh, Jing! Remind me to show you my annotated version of 'After Visiting Hours' by U.A. Fanthorpe. And by the way, I am now the vice-chair of Tribune. Thank you all, I never knew all of you loved me so much, I love all of you too! Your cue to laugh? THWART. :) God bless everyone!
cry me a river
[you were my sun]
Well, today was indeed a tiring day. Not because I was rushing about like mad woman. In fact, I was caught up in a directly invariant situation today. I actually felt passive, though many will attest to the fact that I was equally hyper today. It was the thought of tomorrow that has me tangled in a mix of self-hate and neurotic introspection. Sigh, not to mention the events of the night before were inconvenient. Tolerance imbues my veins. *AUM*?
There were a few quite light-hearted moments today. During Chemistry Prac, Ms Goh and I affirmed each other's insanity, asserting that both of us found it hard to come to school each morning due our own 'uniqueness'. Haw haw. Chinese was vaguely non-existent. Time just slipped past for that block, wasted through pointless discussions, repetitions, and OHP maneuvering. Then was Bio class, I said a silent prayer thanking God for not having Bio Prac today, I do not think I would have been able to handle two practicals in one day. When I am in a bad mood, my mobile dexterity is depleted by a few notches as my brows furrow. Bio class was entertaining, except for certain irreverant comments regarding the mark deduction policy concerning Late Worksheets And Other Such Fun and Friendly Things. If Ms Tan was a Lit student, she would most certainly score straight 'A's just for blatant quoting. Anyway, I felt honoured, not. :P Philo was as usual, with Ms Ong remembering my name, and calling it with an amused tone, with encouraging inflections, as if to say: exercise temperance, little one. Jing, Gayle, XT and I had an interesting discussion about how overwhelming certain macroconcepts were. It was much more constructive than RP Philo syllabus (I am actually sad to admit this). Literature was very entertaining as usual. Ms Ng changed her pencil case - it is now one that has a very funky monkey design. Oh balabu.
Oh yes, Bio lesson ended on a poignant note. Well, I certainly know what to do. And Jing, I am proud of your 'enlightenment'. :) You indeed have the right attitude, demoted to level one of thwartiness I say, no?
In a vainglorious attempt to raise awareness,I wish to complain about MSN (though I find IM-ing quite rewarding):
- It used to have no history function. Thus, records of your conversations were lost to posterity!
- Each message is limited to 400 characters! Although verbosity is not in, communication is essential in its totality.
- It forces you to sign up for a Passport account. Who knows how many people's information is gathered within that repository?
- Sending and receiving files is wretchedly awkward and difficult.
- Messages are distorted. For example (l) is automatically converted to a heart sign, even if that wasn't what you meant.
- The icon is horrid. And that about wraps it up.
I leave all of you with an excerpt from the mouth of the Great XIU TENG: boogalulu, where everyone thinks of nothing but bananas and papayas.
:) so cute. God bless!
there's a place in your heart
[and i know that it is love]
Well, I know it has been over two weeks since I last blogged. Haw haw, I feel sorry for myself (kidding), and of course, I am really sorry to those who came to this blog and found dust amongst the cobwebs of neglect. To say I have been busy would be an understatement. Coping with schoolwork and numerous committments is fine, but when it gets personal, it is most indubitably crunch time. And sad to say, negligence comes easy without necessity.
Youth Day is today. Time to gloat at our youthful advantages - no short-term memory loss, no wrinkles, no missing teeth, no loose gums? Er, ok, I think I should stop now. A new semester has actually begun during my rather long absence. It was sweet respite for me, I say. So anyway, I shall be writing down resolutions for this semester, partly because I think blogging induces public accountability, and partly because, it is, er, logical:
a) Buy computer programming books, storybooks, textbooks, etc. that I will actually get around to reading. I should trash my Chinese textbook now, huh?
b) Resume blogging as a means of psychological catharsis without being egocentric or tediously pitiful.
c) Make perfunctory gestures towards altruism and goodwill towards all advocates of critical thinking (refraining from lengthy diatribes about the futility of wheels of reasonings, esp to Jing).
d) Expect less from people around me, accept, love, and treasure.
e) See everyone as part of the body of Christ, and bear in mind that every heart without Christ is a mission field, and every heart with Him is a missionary.
f) Balance.
g) Cure Jing of her unmentionable disease - thwartiness. ;)
h) On second thoughts, join her in her intermediate thwartiness, start a revolution. edoc wen a teg!
i) Get around to using Mel's nicely done layout.
I watched Spiderman 2, and I thought it was a really sweet movie. Indeed, I am a die-hard romantic. I have also finished reading The Lost Art of Discipleship, Living The Gospel, The Da Vinci Code, and am now embarking on East of Eden by John Steinbeck. It has been an eventful two weeks, I read three books that juxtaposed each other in terms of faith and idealism. I gained enlightenment through this incongruity.
Here's something to think about:
Baseball pitcher Tug McGraw had a wonderful philosophy of pitching. He called it his “frozen snowball” theory. “If I come in to pitch with the bases loaded,” Tug explained, “and heavy hitter Willie Stargell is at bat, there’s no reason I want to throw the ball. But eventually I have to pitch. So I remind myself that in a few billion years the earth will become a frozen snowball hurtling through space, and nobody’s going to care what Willie Stargell did with the bases loaded!”
The Bible tells us the earth will someday “melt with fervent heat; both the earth and the works that are in it will be burned up” (2 Peter 3:10). Yet McGraw’s point is valid: We need to keep life in perspective. Most of the things we worry about have no eternal significance.
The writer of Hebrews was concerned about our perspective. Throughout the book, he keeps our eyes focused on heaven and away from earth. Unless our minds are on heaven, we will have little eternal influence on earth.
There will come a time when the earth will be shaken, and things that once seemed permanent will be gone (Hebrews 12:27). What you fear most today will be forgotten like yesterday’s headlines. What really matters is what you do today that has a touch of eternity about it. —Haddon Robinson
How apt. I just read Hebrews again the other day. :) Do you think this is a symptomatic message to get my life back into perspective? Sometimes God arrives with a whisper, sometimes God falls right in, but He always brings something beautiful.
Strangely, I am looking foward to irritating you tomorrow! ;) God bless all! JING-le!
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Lord, give me courage to confess,to bare my sinful heart to Thee; forgiving love You long to show, and from my sin to set me free. :]
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Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
- extract from Ulysses, Tennyson
| S | Smart |
| W | Wired |
| A | Amorous |
| T | Tough |
| T | Technological |
| O | Old |
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